“In my experience, entertaining comparisons about yourself will almost always lower your vibration. ” MARCUS BAKER
Comparing yourself to others is what comes naturally to everybody. It’s a function of ego and only those who have managed to diminish their ego’s considerably will experience this less.
There’s a good chance that my statement above led you to consider your own ego and how it may compare to that of others… that’s how easily we fall into making comparisons. It can occur so sneakily that you’re often not even aware you’re doing it.
You’re continually being stimulated to make comparisons as you observe reality all around you and while this is understandable, you should also know that comparing yourself with others is a toxic habit that you can change.
The reason it’s toxic is…
The reason it’s toxic is because nine times out of ten you compare yourself to those who have what you want and don’t have yourself.
If you were able as a result of this to focus purely on what you want, you would feel good and consequently be able to raise your vibration, but this is not what comes naturally.
You are far more likely to focus your attention on what’s missing which can lead to feelings of envy, depression, frustration, fear, anger or any other emotion that does not feel good.
This is the exact opposite of what we want to feel if we are to allow abundance to flow into our lives more easily.
In some extreme cases…
In some extreme cases this can lead to such unhappiness that people develop serious mental illnesses and have to be protected from harming themselves.
Sadly this often concerns much younger people who compare their physical appearance and life in general not only with the person next to them, but with high profile celebrities who the media parade as an acceptable standard for comparison.
On rare occasions you’ll…
On rare occasions you’ll compare yourself to someone and evaluate that you’re in a better position. It’s likely this will make you feel good but this feeling will be short lived because there is always somebody around the corner who will in your opinion be doing better than you and before long you will compare yourselves to them and lower your vibration again.
How do we kick the comparison habit?
How do we kick the comparison habit? As with most personal development, it’s a process that starts with knowledge leading to increased self awareness. Results however only come from doing the work required; practising yourself out of the habit over time. As your self awareness increases so you will become better at recognizing opportunities for practice.
I’ve been working on this for a number of years and while I’m less likely to make comparisons in many areas of my life, the potential to do so is always within us and can be triggered by less practised or unfamiliar contexts. Allow me to share a story from my own recent experience:
For much of my adult life I worked out in…
For much of my adult life I worked out in a gym. That is until five years ago when I decided to give it up and pursue other interests.
This year a new chain of gyms opened in my neighbourhood and I decided it was time to return.
I have always felt very comfortable around gyms so I was not perturbed in the least about the prospect of going back. My first day however was a challenge since an old acquaintance called “Comparison” decided to show up too.
Even though intellectually I knew I would have to choose weights appropriate for my capability now, it took me some time to find the right weights with which to work. I was haunted by clear memories of weights I had used in the past and which now I was not even able to lift off the rack, never mind into the air. What a horrible blow to the ego!
Even though common sense was around in good measure, I found myself focusing on what I had been able to do in the past compared with now.
How do you think this made me feel? One word – AWFUL!
As the feeling intensified so I became aware that this was a sign that it was time to change my focus. In short this was an opportunity for me to diffuse the situation.
I immediately started a self talk process. You do this in much the same way you would soothe a friend or child to feel better.
My self talk would have gone something along the lines of,
“Of course it feels a bit uncomfortable right now. I’ve just forgotten that five years is actually quite a long time to have been away. All things considered, I’m doing really well. I can get back to where to where I was if that’s what I want. There’s no rush or pressure. I’m enjoying being back. My strength is already better than it was even after being here for such a short time. I enjoy being able to exercise in this way. It’s good to feel my body strengthening itself…”
Because I am well practised in this technique, before long I had counselled myself towards feeling relieved and so much better than before.
Egos don’t give up that easily however and mine was not yet done. It wasn’t long before my attention had shifted to those around me. Now I was comparing myself to others who were in better shape and clearly stronger than I was.
Again I became aware of myself starting to feel envy, heavy and disillusioned. Once again I consciously soothed myself through the experience until I felt better and before long I hardly noticed that anybody else was even there.
Naturally my ego tried on all subsequent visits to try and get me down this path again but when you can recognize situations like this, you are immediately empowered to change your thoughts which leads to a change in your vibration.
You’ll know this has occurred because you’ll feel better than you did. By my third visit my ego had given up the charge and I could just relax and enjoy my workout.
No matter what you’re doing…
No matter what you’re doing, don’t compare yourself to what you may have been able to do previously – then is not now.
Don’t compare yourself to others – you are not them.
Rather find a way to focus on yourself. You do this by becoming increasingly present in the moment. Focus completely on what you’re doing without memories of what you may have achieved previously or by focusing on what others are doing. All it takes is a decision to change your habit plus time and practice.
By helping yourself to reach for better feeling thoughts in the moment you’ll help yourself to become a more effective deliberate creator of tomorrow.
Think about those areas in your life where you are more likely to compare yourself to others. What can you do to break the cycle?
Be Happy!
PS: If you’ve enjoyed reading this post I’d love it if you could share it on your social networks. Thank you.
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Hi Marcus great article. I am so guilty of comparing myself to others. I remember when I first started training in martial arts I use to compare myself to my sifu’s top student. I trained very hard to try and catch up to him. I remember thinking only if this only if that etc.
It actually stunted my growth for a short while. Because as you pointed out we are individuals and have our own unique talents and skills. As soon as I shifted my focus on myself and less on others around me I was able to see clearly the path I must follow. Thanks for sharing….
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[Reply]
Marcus Baker Reply:
January 25th, 2012 at 5:21 pm
Hi Larry,
It’s so easy to fall into comparing oursleves with others since It’s just the way we’re programmed.
When we realize that we create our own unhappiness this way, then we empower ourselves to take control of the situtation.
Your point about shifitng our focus to ourselves is all it takes and as soon as we practice doing this it becomes a lot easier.
Thank you for sharing your specific example with us Larry. I think one of the challenges when it comes to sport is comparing ourselves with others since success is often based on competition.
~Marcus
~Marcus
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Hey Marcus,
Now I’m by no means perfect and know it all but I quit comparing myself to others when I was younger.
I was overweight as a kid and really all the way up until I was in my early 20′s. I use to compare myself to all the really pretty people and wish I could be like them or look like them. That is until I got out of high school. It’s really a long story to share so I’ll sum it up for you.
I realized that I was a good person and that I was special just the way I was. A lot of those people I wanted to be like I later learned were insecure with themselves and had a lot of the same self doubts I did.
I may not have everything I’ve ever wanted and I may not be where I want to be in my life or my profession but I’m just fine the way I am.
Comparing myself to others or wishing I could be like someone else is just something I never think about. I think I’m bless to be who I am and have been through the experiences that I’ve had.
Thanks for sharing this message with us Marcus because I know this is an area a lot of people may have difficulty with. I especially appreciate you sharing your own experiences with us as well. It really helps to know we aren’t alone in this.
Have a beautiful day and a wonderful week.
~Adrienne
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[Reply]
Marcus Baker Reply:
January 25th, 2012 at 4:59 pm
Hi Adrienne,
As you say this is something we all come into this world needing to realize – we are absolutely fine exactly as we are.
Comparing ourselves to others makes us unhappy but the great thing is we have a choice we can exercise when it comes to this.
Thank you for sharing your own experiences with this Adrienne. I loved your example about being overweight and comparing yourself with others. I am sure many many people wil be able to relate to this.
As I say in my post the potential to compare ourselves never goes away but as our awareness expands so we are better able to nip any chance of this happening before it does.
I love how you say that you are blessed to be who you are and have been through the experiences you have had. That sums up the exact attitude that wil serve us all.
Thanks for adding such value to the conversation Adrienne.
Hope that you are having wonderful week!
~Marcus
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Hi Marcus,
thanks for sharing your insights. I fully agree with you that comparing ourselves to others is one of the biggest flaws in our society and one of most important brakes in personal development and achievement.
There will always be someone better or worse than us. Richer or poorer, more fortunate, more unfortunate.
It’s a great way to take our focus off of what life is all about: Discovering our self and living our life.
By comparing to others, we live someone else’s life.
Unfortunately, the seed of this bad habit is already being planted in our mother’s womb when parents and everybody else start comparing pregancies:”If I feel sick, it will be a body.” Or was it the rule for girls ?
Love your gym example. I make a similar experience because I just started running more again. No heart rate monitor, no pace maker…just a regular wrist watch…
The first step of breaking the cycle is awareness, as always, is it not ?
And then practice, practice, practice…
Be blessed
Oliver
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[Reply]
Marcus Baker Reply:
January 25th, 2012 at 4:43 pm
Hi Oliver,
‘By comparing to others, we live someone else’s life’ – That is so true – ironically we do indeed give our attention to others so that we can retard our own expansion.
I also agree with you when you say that we come into this world already programmed to compare ourselves with others.
People often think that their life path has to be some or other important ego based external function but I believe that for most of us it’s about realizing that when we change habits like the comparison one, we free ourselves to live as intended and that’s what finding our life path is all about. It’s hardly a glamorous one but critital nonetheless.
Since you have just started running again Oliver you will know exactly what I went through with comparing myself to past capabilities.
Absolutely it’s all about awareness followed up by endless practice and also realizing that it is an ongoing journey. If we were already perfect, I doubt whether we would still be here!
Loved your insightful comment – thank you!
~Marrcus
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Great post, Marcus!
I find I compare myself with others more often online than offline. Perhaps this is because online we only see part of people, and the acknowledgement of them as a real person is removed.
It is easier for me to be relaxed and be myself when I am face to face with another person. Looking at someone’s perceived success/beauty/accomplishments online is deceiving.
Comparing myself to others, online or offline, absolutely does not create happiness in my life or help me acheive my goals. Sometimes I’m able to quiet the comparison in my mind by asking myself, “does this make me happy?” If the answer is no, and it always is, it is easier for me to release the thought.
Another practice I use to release comparisons is through creating a gratitude list. When I am actively and consciously grateful for all that I do have in this moment, I find dissatisfaction with what I’m missing disappears. I can’t be grateful and envious at the same time!
Thanks for the great discussion, Marcus!
Chrysta
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[Reply]
Marcus Baker Reply:
January 25th, 2012 at 6:43 pm
Hi Chrysta,
I always enjoy reading your insigthful comments Chrysta and this one is no exception.
I read your distinctions between offline and online with much interest. I had not thought about this before.
I have to agree with you – ‘ Looking at someone’s perceived success / beauty / accomplishments online is deceiving.’
There is probably a greater potential to conjure up an inflated perception of someone and that can lead to one feeling “less then” in a far more skewed way.
Asking yourself ‘does this make me happy?’ is simple and very effective way of focusing yourself in the moment because as soon as you ask the question you get an immediate reponse from within and as you say the very act of asking the question faciliates release.
I love how you also use a gratitude list when feeling anything other than at peace. I also find this to be an instant way to change my vibration.
Thank you again for sharing your valuable personal perspective here Chrysta.
~Marcus
[Reply]
Marcus.
This topic is usually one I walk out on. I have been compared to others as long as I have been alive. From my earliest memories, I came up short against..”so and so.”
Because of this, and other reasons I am sure, I have always tried to take people, events and places… as they are. To accept what gifts it, be it person or thing, may bring into my life, by simply being.
It doesn’t stop the comparison from happening, nor do I believe it should, on all fronts. Please allow me to tell you why I believe this.
When I look at someone, lets say “Stan Faryna” as we both care for him and he is someone you and I have in common. I look at Stan, and of course compare myself. Not for his gifts, because those are his, chosen for him. But his knowledge and the simply astounding resource his mind is for all he has read. Well, this comparison between he and I, in my own mind, urged me to find the time, take it if need be, to read more. Of our own great history as peoples as well as the classics I have either skimmed way back in the day or sadly, never opened to read.
I don’t believe comparisons are always bad, as they urge me to become a better me. Maybe it is the comparisons OTHER people make…OF you, instead of seeing where help is needed and offering advice or assistance…
Does this make sense (or should I go back and read it all again?! LOL)
Your pal.
~*~
[Reply]
Marcus Baker Reply:
January 25th, 2012 at 6:18 pm
Hi Amber,
I love comments like yours as they make me think some more!
I agree with you, comparisons have always occurred and no doubt they always will too.
You make a great point about the fact that comparisons help us to observe contrast and the contrast can assist us to expand and improve ourselves.
If you can as you point out (using your comparison with Stan which is a great example y the way
) focus on what you want and feel good about this, then the comparison is serving you and adding value to your life.
However If the comparison triggers feelings of “less than” and inaderquacy compared with the other person then this will not serve you at all.
Comparisons as with anything are neutral. It’s how we respond to them that makes the difference.
My inclination is that you are in the minority when it comes to being able to use comparions to improve yourself as you do Amber. I might of course be pleasantly surprised. Let’s hear what others have to say too.
Thank you for raising this very valid perspective Amber. You make perfect sense!
~Marcus
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Hello Marcus, comparing yourself to others is not really good. I admit that I was once comparing myself to others for what are things that they don’t have which I have and for what are things they have which I don’t have. It really hurts. By the way thank you so much for this great article!
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[Reply]
Marcus Baker Reply:
January 26th, 2012 at 6:00 am
Hi Annette,
We all do it until we realise that we are hurting ourselves and then the change begins. I am pleased you enjoyed this post Annette.
~Marcus
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Comparisons are bad and comparing yourself to yourself at another point in your life is probably double the bad of comparing yourself to someone else who is doing better at this or that thing.
Sounds a bit confusion but it’s what I suffer with a lot. I always look back at other times in my life and think things were so much better then. That starts a cycle of thinking that “if only,” an entirely different bad habit.
It’s going to take years to get out of this cycle or maybe just a few hard months of work to become successful at what I’m striving to achieve. That would solve my problem in a moment.
Brian recently posted..A Life Saving Example
[Reply]
Marcus Baker Reply:
January 26th, 2012 at 5:55 am
Hi Brian,
The good thing is you are aware of what you do and that’s the first step to liberating yourself.
We often cause ourselves even more suffering by being impatient, expecting ourselves to shrug off years and years of dis empowering programming in an instant but in my experience this always happens in perfect timing when we are ready anyway.
You are doing just fine Brian!
~Marcus
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I do agree with this article. STOP COMPARING YOURSELF WITH OTHERS, We have different characteristics, specialty and talent. Don’t compare your self to others, all you have to do is just set your goal and be your self. Good job Interesting information!
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[Reply]
Marcus Baker Reply:
January 28th, 2012 at 3:21 am
Hi Stuart,
It really does not make sense to compare ourselves as we are as you say all unique and all worthy.
I am pleased you resonated with this post.
~Marcus
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Hi Marcus,
This is a really important point and distinction to make. It is such a process to get to the point where you can consciously live this way.
I really don’t compare. When I notice someone else and compare myself and find myself “lacking”, I just think about what I need to do or improve – why do I feel this way? It may be a nudge to get on the physical exercise or something, so I just acknowledge that and move on it.
Julie | A Clear Sign recently posted..What Is A Spiritual Download and Why Do Tests Follow It?
[Reply]
Marcus Baker Reply:
January 28th, 2012 at 3:09 am
Hi Julie.
The extent to which we are able to respond to our thoughts at any time is what makes the difference.
If we are sufficiently present then we can do what you do Julie. If on the other hand we are still the slaves to the ego, then this will be a lot more difficult.
As you say getting to this point is a process that takes as long as it must for each of us to learn to embrace our own value.
~Marcus
[Reply]
I’m so glad you wrote about this area Marcus. It’s such an important topic.
You’re right. Right from when we’re young, unfortunately we are encouraged to compare ourselves to others in terms of school grades, sports, clothes, appearance, weight etc. Humans can be so unwise in encouraging comparisons. All the time this causes the ego to become more and more insecure. I wish instead, more messages are sent out on how similar we all are.
In my own case, my spiritual beliefs have helped me with this. In Hinduism, an ultimate reality is there is no separation between any of us and we are all One. More and more I have been internalising this belief. If ever I catch myself getting insecure through comparing myself to others, I remind myself we are One and my suffering diminishes.
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[Reply]
Marcus Baker Reply:
January 28th, 2012 at 1:47 am
Hi Hiten,
Absolutely! By spending too much time comparing ourselves to others we retard the speed with which we connect with our own greatness.
The Hindu belief about there being no separation between us is like a light blazing in the darkness and is what I know to be true too.
~Marcus
[Reply]
Some people have developed the bad habit of always comparing themselves to others. The problem with these comparisons is that they are usually triggered when people find that they already lack something.
This means that people attempt to play a game that they have already lost when they compare themselves to others. If a guy was walking down the street and then saw someone passing by with his cute girlfriend his negative self talk will be triggered and he might start saying things like “I don’t have a cute girl friend, I guess that makes me less worthy than him, maybe I am ugly…bla bla bla”.
As you can see the comparison started when the guy already discovered that he has lost it. The comparison was started because of one thing which is lack of self confidence.
This works like a self reinforcing cycle, you first feel that you are inferior and so you assume that you lack something compared to others and on finding anything that you miss you start the comparison and so reinforce your false beliefs about yourself.
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[Reply]
Marcus Baker Reply:
January 31st, 2012 at 5:49 am
Hi John,
Yes I agree. If you are already lacking in feeling worthy or as in your example, self confidence, then one will be drawn to comparisons that will strengthen the ego’s story of not being good enough.
IT takes being very present in the moment not to allow the ego to manipulate us.
Thanks for highlighting an important point.
~Marcus
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Comparing yourself with others is a good deal, and can be useful for your business if you compare your achievements and results. but we shouldn’t consider others as an example for following
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[Reply]
Marcus Baker Reply:
January 31st, 2012 at 5:44 am
Hi Amanda,
As long as the comparison helps to encourage us and make us want to be the best that we can be then the comparison serves you. If it makes you focus on what’s missing then the comparison is not helping us at all.
~Marcus
[Reply]
Marcus,
What a great post, man! Comparing yourself to others is definitely a dead end road. There are just too many variables you will never know.
You should only compare who you are and who you could be. Thanks for sharing.
Chuck
[Reply]
Hi Marcus, what you have posted in here is a realization to many people because some are not aware that they are doing this- comparing themselves to other because it is inevitable.
And stopping to compare yourself with others can be applied to any kind of phases in life, either personal or even with business opportunities. I remembered attending a yoga class when the instructor said that the first thing to do is to stop comparing your self to your yoga mates when it is your first day to attend and your body is not that flexible and you can’t do some difficult poses because in the end, you will be able to.
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[Reply]
Marcus Baker Reply:
February 18th, 2012 at 8:51 pm
Hi Minerva,
Welcome and thank you for sharing a personal example to add to the conversation here.
We so easily fall into the trap of comparing ourselves with others and most times all this does is cause us stress and anguish.
Being reminded every now and again that we have no need to compare ourselves with anybody is always opportune not so?
~Marcus
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