Guilt and how to Deal With it

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Guilt can be a helpful emotion when it’s justified. It motivates you to learn from your mistakes and make changes when required.

If it’s not justified or managed however, prolonged feelings of guilt can shackle you, retarding or preventing you from moving forward with your life.

“Every guilty person is his own hangman.” - Lucius Annaeus Seneca

You’ll no doubt agree that feeling guilty is not a great way to feel. This does not mean you must try and pretend it’s not there, dig a hole and bury it till later or buy into believing that you are powerless when it arises. You have the power to deal with all guilt.

Identify guilt as soon as you can, process it and take whatever action is necessary to help you release the emotion. If the reasons for feeling guilty are bogus, reject them and in so doing you will also release the emotion.

Here’s how:

An effective way to treat any emotion that does not feel good is to view it in the same way as you would Bott’s dots. You may know these by another name but what I’m referring to here are the raised markers embedded in roadways.

When a vehicle’s tyres make contact with these, it results in a series of sharp continuous bumps, warning the driver that they are moving outside of a safe designated driving area.

When you feel these bumbs you interpret this as a signal to “wake up” and take action. You know you must immediately correct your steering if you don’t want to end up somewhere unwanted.

So it is of an emotion like guilt that does not feel good. The feeling is a warning like that of the Bot’s dots, encouraging you to sit up, take notice and take whatever action is possible to move on.

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What is Guilt?

Guilt involves blaming yourself or taking responsibility for thoughts or actions you regret.

Like any other emotion, guilt is not always based on facts.

Justified guilt is what you feel when the facts of the situation justify the level of responsibility and regret you experience.

Unjustified guilt is what you feel when you take responsibility for something you really had no control over or when you misinterpret the consequences of your actions.

No matter whether the gult is justified or not, it results in you feeling “wrong” or “less”. This makes you feel ‘bad’ which can be damaging in the long term.

It can lead to destructive behaviour such as defensiveness, aggression, becoming obsessed with power or perfection, blaming others, self-sacrifice or withdrawal.

How to Recognise Guilt

Whenever you feel that you could have prevented something from happening, or where you deeply regret your decisions/actions then you are experiencing guilt.

The thoughts and language associated with guilt can include – ”If only I ….” “What if…” “I should have…”

My Story

Rather than giving you a theoretical blueprint for dealing with guilt I want to share my own recent experience with you, explaining how I worked through this issue. Hopefully you might find this useful yourself next time you encounter the emotion of guilt.

Last week I received news that my Dad had passed on. My Mom and he got divorced when I was only three years of age. This set in motion logistical circumstances which would impact on our relationship, however there was also a far more pressing reason why ours was to be a relationship of challenge.

My Dad was a complex man, often so consumed by his own issues that he neither had time nor energy for much else other than himself. He struggled to connect with and express his emotions which made forming emotional bonds with others difficult for him.

I did see him when I was growing up but not regularly and after I reached the age of twenty he and I became estranged never to have contact again.

On news of his passing I did not experience pain as one might when a bond between a child and parent is strong. I did however experience feelings of intense guilt, created by the realization that his passing meant neither of us could put this ‘right’ in the physical sense even if we had wanted to now.

For a day or so I was consumed with remorse and regret that I had not acted differently. As I gave this my attention I was guided from within to consider whether it had really been possible for me to act any differently.

Surely if this was possible from both our sides, we would have done so?

I wanted to know whether my guilt was truly justified so I worked through the following questions.

How to Know if Your Guilt is Justified or not

If a friend came to me with the same situation would I view it in the same way or differently?
Did I have total control over the situation?
Did I always understand the consequences of my actions?
Was I in a position to have foresight into this or is it only with hindsight that I’ve gained clarity?
What can I do right now to make amends?

In summary I decided that part of my guilt was justified and that I had realised this prior to his passing. A year earlier I had tried to contact him but with no success. At the time I believed that this outcome was meant to be and I accepted it as such.Now after his passing I also realised that while I could not change what had happened or make this right going forward, I could take action to release the guilt so that I could move on.

Here are four things you can do to deal with guilt, some of which I could do full and others not:

4 Ways to Deal With Guilt

1. Speak to Someone

When you allow your imagination to run riot and unchecked, the feelings remain inside you and tend to be far more destructive this way.

Speak to a trusted family member, good friend or even a counselling professional. Acknowledging your feelings of guilt can often help you see the situation more objectively than you are capable of when your out of control thoughts are whizzing around endlessly in your head.

Expressing your feelings of guilt to someone else gets them “out”, decreases their power and can assist you to let them go.

In my case I spoke to a few people, some family members and some good friends. Doing so helped me not to blow my feelings of guilt out of proportion and to confirm to myself that there was much about this situation over which I had had little control.

2. Apologize

Apologizing holds great power for you as the one feeling guilty as well as for those you have wronged.

Only apologise if you actually mean it. Be specific about why you are sorry, taking care to take responsibility for your actions.

Let the other person know that you accept their hurt feelings if you are aware of this.

Offer to put things right if you can and don’t expect the one you have wronged to forgive and forget. This is also a learning experience for them.

In my case I could not apologise to my Dad in person so instead I wrote him a long letter of apology which was read at his memorial service.

3. Put Things Right

Making direct amends to those we have wronged is an ideal outcome but most of the time what is done cannot be fixed.

It is often more a symbolic gesture, demonstrating a willingness to make things right.

As in my case this could not be done but I was soothed by the fact that I had tried to make contact with him and that by writing the letter I had came as close to being able to do this as possible.

4. Forgive Yourself

In my opinion this is the most critical step.

Self-forgiveness is not abdicating responsibility. It is seeing mistakes as opportunities for learning rather than as personal failure.

It is releasing the hope that something from the past can be different.

It is accepting that you did the best you could at the time as did anybody else involved or else you and they would have done it differently.

My Learning

I will as much as I can make peace with all beings today since it is the best chance I have to do so.

My father’s input at my conception was critical in creating me exactly as I am in order for me to have the exact opportunities I have had to learn and expand. For this I am eternally grateful.

We are all here doing the best we can with the resources we have at the time. When I truly understand this about myself then I cannot help but have compassion for all beings.

My Dad and I were, are and always will be in Spirit and when next we connect, none of this will matter at all.

I like the Lucius Annaeus Seneca quote above since it implies that you have total control over what you do with guilt. Guilt never controls you unless you allow it to do so. You always have control over the noose. You can remove it and move on or you can tighten it and give more of your power away. It’s entirely in your hands.

This site is all about encouraging you how to feel happy since when you do, you are in alignment with your true self. By taking responsibility for working through my guilt I was able to release not feeling good and return myself to feeling at peace and happy again.

The sense of relief I experienced as I did this so was so immense that it reminded me once again that we all have the power to change our focus at any time which ultimately leads us to being able to create our own lives without suffering if we so choose.

Have you experienced feelings of guilt in your life? How did you deal or not deal with your own situation? What for you is your take away from this post?

Be Happy!

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27 Responses to Guilt and how to Deal With it

David Porter says:

February 17, 2012 at 7:05 pm

Marcus,

This is very helpful to those struggling with guilt. it is all too common to not know what to do when such issues arise. We often just muddle through and don’t actually address these issues when we should, thus creating more baggage. I think these tips will be a huge asset to those seeking a resolution to there suffering.

My condolences for the passing of your dad. While you may have not been close, it is still a significant loss. Blessings my friend.
David
David Porter recently posted..Everyone Gets 24!

[Reply]
Marcus Baker Reply:
February 18th, 2012 at 6:18 am
Hi David,

I can say that I have seldom been consumed by feelings of guilt as I learned at a young age to process guilt but in this case I could sense the challenge was a little more threatening.

I am pleased to say that the sense of relief and peace as a result of taking some intense deliberate action has paid off. This just goes to show that no matter what the reason for our guilt we can always be its master when we know how.

Thank you for your condolences my friend. The passing of anybody significant to our lives is as you say still always a loss.

~Marcus

[Reply]
Harleena Singh from Freelance Writer says:

February 18, 2012 at 1:11 am

Beautiful and touching post Marcus!

Sorry to hear about your fathers loss, I guess no matter what and how our relations are with out parents, their loss is always painful.

I liked the way you wrote so well about guilt, something that most of us undergo sometime or the other in our lives. Yes, sometimes it’s justified, while at other times- it is unjustified.But in either of the cases, we suffer, unless we know how to deal with it, just as you did.

I can well imagine all that you must have undergone when you lost your dad. I guess the initial thoughts must have been of guilt as you said, because there must have been so much you wanted to talk and share with him, or ask and discuss with him ( that in a way would have cleared your estranged differences also- had you got that chance before his passing away). But somethings are never in our hands, and no matter how much we may try later, people who are once gone, never return.

I remember the time when I lost my mother, that was around 8-9 years back, whom I was very close to- it was almost like a part of me had gone. I always felt that I should have reached out more to her and somehow conveyed how much I loved her, and what she meant to me. I was guilty of not being able to say those words.

Just as you wrote your feelings in the letter to your dad, I wrote a post about her- though no matter how much you may write, the words can never do the justification of how you feel. Yes, they are an outlet for us, and do comfort us a great deal. I surely did feel better, and find her as my guardian angel – always around me, whenever I am not feeling good about things or if I am troubled.

Yes indeed, we all have to live and move on in our lives. And this can only be done when we are not burdened with the guilt we may be carrying with us. That baggage surely has to be lightened before we proceed further.

Thanks for sharing your experiences, and I’m the measures you have taken would help you a great deal to move ahead and think fondly of your father.
Harleena Singh recently posted..How to Move On and Get Over a Break Up

[Reply]
Marcus Baker Reply:
February 18th, 2012 at 6:11 am
Hi Harleena,

Thank you for your lovely comment and kind words Harleena. It is much appreciated.

As you say for most of us, losing a parent even if and maybe especially if there there have been estranged differences is painful.

In fact I did try and find my Dad last year to make contact with him. This came about after an experience I had with my step father whom I was going to confront on some unresolved issues.

When I came to do this I was so totally and completely overwhelmed with a sense of compassion for him that all the unresolved matters simply melted away. It was one of the most liberating experiences of my life.

At this point I was able to feel compassion for so many in my life, my own Dad being one of them. Unfortunately try as I might I was unable to find him.

Life does not always work out as we expect but things always work out as they must even though this may not be according to our plan.

Thank you Harleena.

~Marcus

[Reply]
Janet Callaway Reply:
February 19th, 2012 at 9:08 pm
Marcus, from what you said in your post and this comment, I believe you are in a perfect place about your dad. Had it be in alignment with your dominant intentions for you to connect and talk, you would have done so.
Janet Callaway recently posted..13 Reasons to See Clearly

[Reply]
Marcus Baker Reply:
February 23rd, 2012 at 2:33 pm
Janet I so appreciate you adding this to the comment since I know you will have sensed this at a soul level so your message is especially pertinent. Thank you.
Marcus Baker recently posted..17 Ways to Rejuvenate Your Energy
Vidya Sury says:

February 18, 2012 at 3:54 am

Hi Marcus! I am here from Hiten’s blog and am glad I am here Guilt is something that can eat up one’s insides like poison and these are great tips to deal with it. Sorry to hear about your dad and thank you for sharing your story. A life filled with “if only”s is the worst of all.

Looking forward to more interaction, now that I am a subscriber! With love, Vidya
Vidya Sury recently posted..The Haiku Challenge 2012 – Day 17 – Waiting to Exhale

[Reply]
Marcus Baker Reply:
February 18th, 2012 at 8:38 pm
Hi there Vidya,

Welcome to my blog and thank you for taking the time time to leave a comment.

I like your analogy of poison for guilt – so true.

Life is a learning journey for us all which never really ends, it just continues in a different form.

My Dad’s learning here was done and he has re-emerged into eternal consciousness which is also reason for joyous celebration.

Look forward to seeing you here gain soon Vidya.

~Marcus

[Reply]
Hiten Vyas says:

February 18, 2012 at 7:13 am

Hi Marcus,

Firstly, I wanted to say I’m very sorry to hear about the loss of your Dad. My deepest condolences are with you, and my thoughts are with you and your closest ones.

Secondly, I just wanted to say thank you for sharing such a genuine story about you with everyone. I’m sure what you’ve written can help us all when we are experiencing guilt.

I believe the advice you have given is spot on and I really appreciated the point you made about speaking to someone.

I experienced a lot of guilt around a year and half ago. A friend at my public speaking group had lost his mother and he informed me about it. What I should (see you’re right, “what I should..” is just the type of language we use when we experience guilt) is to inform the other members of the club right away. However, it didn’t come to my mind to do this.

A few weeks later another member of our club called me for a chat. One of the things he called me about, was to say how he had heard news about the passing away of the mother of our friend. I told him I already knew from a few weeks ago, and after I put the phone down, I felt stupid, because I thought my friend would thing why I didn’t tell anyone?

I was feeling so guilty, I couldn’t take it. I then spoke to my parents about it. They also said it would have been far better if I had told others much earlier. However, they said it was a mistake, I got busy with other things (I was working to major deadlines at work at the time), and that I could make amends by visiting my friend who had lost his mother.

And I also realised it was no good me playing the same story in my head again and again. I couldn’t change what happened.

Talking it through really did help, and I learnt a big lesson, which was whenever I hear of someone close who has lost a loved one, is to inform those who need to know straight away.

As you say, sometimes guilt is justified. What we can do is to learn the lesson to be learnt, make amends where we can, forgive ourselves and move on.

Take care Marcus, my friend.
Hiten Vyas recently posted..How limiting beliefs can prevent people from succeeding

[Reply]
Marcus Baker Reply:
February 18th, 2012 at 6:18 pm
Hi Hiten,

Thank you so much for your condolences and for sharing a personal story about guilt.

As more and different contexts are shared by others the more points of connection for all readers are created.

Your story illustrates perfectly what a wonderful teacher guilt can be. What happened with your friend at the public speaking group happened so that you could feel what you did and so that you could make the adjustment within. This is a perfect example of using the feelings to change behaviour.

Though through all the years that I did not have contact with my Dad I was vaguely aware that it was inevitable that some day one of us would pass on first.

However I still didn’t learn the lesson until feeling my own guilt that we can’t wait to make peace with all beings, we have to do it today since that parting day will come and then it’s too late. It’s all good. We cam here to learn and we are.:)

Thank you again Hiten.

~Marcus

[Reply]
pea says:

February 18, 2012 at 10:56 am

Guilt can be quite a self indulgent emotion in many a case. If it lingers long enough it serves no purpose, very similar to regret. If there is something you can do about it, do it. If not move on.
I stop feeling guilty about things when I looked at them in these practical terms. Perhaps I have never been pushed by a justified guilt over my actions or indeed inactions causing harm to another. But I liked the conclusions you came to about your father having experienced similar.
pea recently posted..Simple Determination

[Reply]
Marcus Baker Reply:
February 18th, 2012 at 5:14 pm
Hi Pea,

Thank you for raising this important point.

If guilt stays around too long it becomes a case of “I’m feeling sorry for myself and look how helpless I am.”.

Rather the emotion of guilt arises so that we can do whatever it takes to dissipate it.

We are only helpless if we choose it to be so and we only choose this if we haven’t yet realised that we have the power over all things.

Thanks for adding to the conversation here Pea.

~Marcus

[Reply]
Adrienne says:

February 19, 2012 at 12:57 pm

I’m also sorry to hear of your Dad’s passing Marcus. Whether you were close to him or not there is that void now with the never really knowing if you two could have come together at some point in time.

I love the way you went through those questions of how you dealt with it. I always try to put myself in someone else’s shoes as if I were giving advice to that person but guilt and feelings are a very powerful combination.

I honestly wish I could say I’ve never dealt with this but I did and in the worst way possible right after my father passed away. It’s kind of a long story but I’ll try to be somewhat brief.

My Dad was bedridden for the last week that he was home. My Mom and I took care of him for the first four days because it fell on a Friday. By Tuesday we had a nurse come in to help my Mom a few times a day so I could go back to work. But we were feeding him and we did the best we could because he couldn’t sit up. We did our best to prop him up but he was dead weight and it was hard for us.

Seven days later we rushed him to the hospital and learned then that he has aspirated pneumonia and it was because my Mom and I had been feeding him liquids but they were going into his lungs instead of in his stomach.

The day after I left and went back to work my Dad has lost consciousness and never woke up again. Once he was in ICU we retrieved his living will and made the choice of abiding by his wishes. Those wishes were to let him go because he never wanted to be kept alive for our sake. He was more about quality verses quantity.

My Mom and I felt guilty that we put him in that situation and we beat ourselves up for months. I finally had to seek therapy and through that I came to understand that we did what we could with what we knew. We weren’t nurses and we didn’t know and my Dad would never have blamed us. Through my therapy I helped my Mom cope and it was a long process Marcus.

It’s not something that’s easy to deal with and every time I think about it I feel horrible. Tears are rolling down my eyes as I share this with you. It was the most painful experience I’ve ever dealt with in my entire life and I never want to go through anything like that ever again.

Guilt can destroy you if you let it and it almost destroyed me and my Mom. But I knew my Dad wouldn’t want me to bare that guilt which is why I ended up in counseling. She helped us both work through it all.
Adrienne recently posted..What Is A Slug And Why Should You Care

[Reply]
Janet Callaway Reply:
February 19th, 2012 at 9:11 pm
Oh, Adrienne,my heart ached for you as I read this. Though I knew, of course, how traumatic your dad’s passing was for you, this story adds a new dimension to it.

Thank heavens you were wise enough to get therapy and that you were able to help your mom through it. Your shared horrific experience no doubt brought you that much closer together.
Janet Callaway recently posted..13 Reasons to See Clearly

[Reply]
Adrienne Reply:
February 21st, 2012 at 11:07 am
I just wrote you a rather long reply and when I posted it, I received an error message and lost it. So I’ll just say thank you and leave it at that.
Adrienne recently posted..10 Ways to Drive Your Content to the Next Level of Blogging Excellence

[Reply]
Jayne Kopp Reply:
February 21st, 2012 at 1:13 am
I\’m with Janet on this Adrienne. (lots of love and hugs) ….xoHello Janet… how are you my friend? I have missed you. Jayne
Jayne Kopp recently posted..Serious about Starting a Business Online? Maybe You Need to Get Cracking Then!

[Reply]
Marcus Baker Reply:
February 23rd, 2012 at 2:50 pm
Hi Adrienne,

Thank you so much for sharing your own very poignant personal experience here. My apologies for only replying now but I have been away on a meditation retreat for a few days.

Adrienne I can only imagine how intense yours and your Mom’s guilt must have been even though you knew that your intentions had been nothing but pure.

Like Janet said I am pleased that you looked towards professional assistance since sorting this out yourself might have taken your lifetime, if ever.

I think you raise such an important point here Adrienne. Sometimes we also have to recognise that we can’t deal with certain guilt ourselves or by speaking to a friend, we need professional intervention.

Thank you again for sharing this so openly Adrienne especially since doing so is still not easy for you and probably never will be.

Hugs to you Adrienne!

~Marcus
Marcus Baker recently posted..17 Ways to Rejuvenate Your Energy

[Reply]
Janet Callaway says:

February 19, 2012 at 9:25 pm

Marcus, aloha. What a masterful handling of this topic. Your set up and explanation were terrific. Your questions are an invaluable guide for resolving guilt.

Though I am sorry for your loss in your dad’s passing, as I said above, if it were meant for the two of you to reconnect, you would have. Marcus, you are so in touch with your guidance and you focus so solidly on your life’s purpose and core values, that if a reconnection would have served you, then it would have taken place.

Though I have felt guilt in the past, in most instances unjustified, I do not have a particular example to share with you.

What I can tell you is that the question of guilt and whether or not I will feel if I take a certain action, is very much a part of my weighing process.

Marcus, I avoid doing or saying things that will cause me regrets or guilt. For me that is a whole lot easier that wishing I had done or said a particular thing.

When my mom passed away in December last year, I received this wonderful poem. Though I don’t know the author, I do like the author’s view.

TOGETHERNESS

Death is nothing at all. I have only
slipped away into the next room.
Whatever we were to each other, that we
are still. Call me by my old familiar name,
speak to me in the easy way which you
always used. Laugh as we always laughed
at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me. Let
my name be the household word that it
always was. Let it be spoken without
effort. Life means all that it ever meant. It
is the same as it ever was; there is
absolutely unbroken continuity. Why
should I be out of your mind because I am
out of your sight? I am but waiting for you,
for an interval, somewhere very near, just
around the corner. All is well. Nothing is
past; nothing is lost. One brief moment
and all will be as it was before–only
better, infinitely happier and for ever–
we will be all one together with Christ.

Cherishing you in my heart and holding you in my thoughts. Aloha. Janet
Janet Callaway recently posted..13 Reasons to See Clearly

[Reply]
Marcus Baker Reply:
February 23rd, 2012 at 3:12 pm
Janet aloha. Apologies for responding but I have been away on a mediation retreat which for me was part of my own healing process and very worthwhile.

Janet firstly I wanted to say that I did not know that your Mom had passed on in December last year until reading this comment.

I was aware that she had been unwell and then probably because I was a little inactive for 6 weeks around the Dec/ early January period I missed out on this news.

My apologies Janet for not being around then and may I at this late stage also extend my condolences for yours and your family’s loss.

It’s always tough for those who are left behind although much of how we respond depends on what we believe. I know that like me you believe that all who pass simply re-emerge into non-physical consciousness so there is never any death, just a temporary physical separation for a time.

Thank you for your comment Janet since it made me realise how much I have grown spiritually through the years too.

When I was younger, guilt would eat away at me and like you, most times this was guilt of the unjustified variety.

Over time I too have learned to try my best not to have any regrets. Consequently my actions as a result of this have been directly influenced.

I knew however that one area of my life that would be cause for regret was that of my relationship between my Dad and I. This is why I did my best to put it “right” a year ago but when all doors remained closed I accepted this as for the best too.

Thank you too for sharing the wonderful poem Janet. I have passed it on to a few people I now today who I know will also find it meaningful.

Hugs and love to you Janet.

~Marcus
Marcus Baker recently posted..17 Ways to Rejuvenate Your Energy

[Reply]
Wendy Elwell says:

February 20, 2012 at 12:19 am

Marcus,
I am sorry to hear about your father’s passing. I can totally understand where you are coming from. My father was also a complicated man, and I had a similar story with him as I grew up. Upon his death, I also felt guilt for not repairing the relationship and having some closure with him. I do believe it was the way my dad wanted it, but it took me a couple of years to let go of those feelings.

I think it is so cool you recognize the need to deal with your guilt and the steps you have outlined are the steps I had to take, even thought I did not realize it at the time, to deal with the loss of my father.

I thank you for being so real and I will keep you in my prayers.

Wendy
Wendy Elwell recently posted..How to Pin a Picture from Your Computer and Pin Videos to Pinterest!

[Reply]
Marcus Baker Reply:
February 23rd, 2012 at 3:34 pm
Hi Wendy,

Thank you for stopping by and leaving a comment especially since you have been through a similar guilt experience.

I agree with you I think my Dad also wanted it to be the way it was. For a while in my life I also had to deal with feeling abandoned which you may have had to deal with too.

What’s important to remember however is not to lay blame in any way on the other person since they re learning what they must and more importantly we have to figure out what our own learning is about. It is always all about us.

Thank you Wendy. Much appreciated.

~Marcus

[Reply]
Samantha Bangayan says:

February 20, 2012 at 9:25 pm

First of all, Marcus, I’m so sorry for your loss. What I admire most about this post is that you were able to use the experience as a valuable teaching resource that will benefit so many. Thank you so much for taking the time to not only share your experience, but also work through it with us.

I know that I harbor a lot of guilt toward family-related issues, so your personal example was one I could really identify with and help myself work through as well. I really appreciate you setting at least these initial first steps for me — apologizing and forgiving myself are steps that I’ll need to continue working on, bit by bit! =)
Samantha Bangayan recently posted..Racism in Peru? The Case of Ricardo Apaza

[Reply]
Marcus Baker Reply:
February 23rd, 2012 at 3:20 pm
Hi Sam,

I appreciate you letting me know that you found this post valuable.

Guilt is something that we have and all do experience but it is not something that should rob us of our own lives.

Guilt can become a heavy weight that we carry around with us and worse, we get used to carrying it around, so think it’s normal.

It’s only when we can find a way to release the guilt that we literally feel the weight lift and what a difference it makes.

Your point about working through guilt but by bit is so apt. We work through it the best we can as we journey along Sam and I am pleased that you have been reminded to be good to yourself in this process. This is such an important realization.

~Marcus
Marcus Baker recently posted..17 Ways to Rejuvenate Your Energy

[Reply]
Jayne Kopp says:

February 21, 2012 at 1:09 am

HI Marcus, I am so sorry for the loss of your dad despite the distance between you.

I know a lot about ‘guilt’ …. forgiveness, power of apology … won’t bore you with the details although you might have an idea since we’ve known each other for quite some time.

It’s a very difficult thing to shake, particularly when you are a ‘soft hearted’ person and sometimes we feed our conscience with only half the thoughts from our heart… but rarely logic.

It can be a real internal battle. On one hand you know (truthfully) things are out of our control in many cases… but our heart doesn’t care about that.

I am pleased you were able to work through it… and I imagine you will continue to do some work for a while until the dust settles.

Know we are all thinking and praying for your complete healing and peace Marcus.

best

Jayne
Jayne Kopp recently posted..Serious about Starting a Business Online? Maybe You Need to Get Cracking Then!

[Reply]
Marcus Baker Reply:
February 23rd, 2012 at 3:26 pm
Hi Jayne,

Thank you for your wonderful comment and wishes.

Yes I do know about some of your experiences in this regard so I am appreciative of your wise input here Jayne.

I particularly like how you say,

“It can be a real internal battle. On one hand you know (truthfully) things are out of our control in many cases… but our heart doesn’t care about that.”

This is so true. Logic and the Emotions do not always pasty well together. It takes time for us to work though things and as you suggest it is often a process that must continue for a while until we are able to move on.

Thank you again Jayne.

~Marcus
Marcus Baker recently posted..17 Ways to Rejuvenate Your Energy

[Reply]
Chrysta Bairre says:

February 28, 2012 at 10:34 pm

Wow, what an amazing and powerful post, Marcus.

I love the questions you provided to help determine if guilt is justified or not. The most helpful of your questions for me to consider is:

~Did I always understand the consequences of my actions?
~Was I in a position to have foresight into this or is it only with hindsight that I’ve gained clarity?

We don’t always have all the information or fully understand the complexity of a situation when we make decisions. Any clarity gained after-the-fact doesn’t condemn us if we acted in good faith, or made the best decision possible with the information we had at the time.

I was just talking to a friend at work about how to determine when criticism is justified and we discussed many similar questions such as, “is the criticism from a trusted source?”, and “do they have all the information?”.

I don’t have to believe everything I feel, or even everything I think. Nor do I have to take responsibility for anyone else’s feelings and thoughts.

I love the idea of guilt being a warning, like the Bott’s dots that alert us when we’re driving outside the lane. Justified guilt isn’t justification for shame, it’s important information to help us learn and change when needed.

This was a really great post. Thank you for sharing your story about your dad, Marcus.

Chrysta
Chrysta Bairre recently posted..Be Happy. Give Yourself Permission To Be Who You Are.

[Reply]
Marcus Baker Reply:
February 29th, 2012 at 6:48 am
Hi Chrysta,

Thank you! I loved your comment because it reminded me all over again that compassion is only something we can feel for others if we are able to feel compassionate towards ourselves.

I also loved how you say, “I don’t have to believe everything I feel, or even everything I think. Nor do I have to take responsibility for anyone else’s feelings and thoughts.”

That is such a liberating sentence! I have read it a few times now and each time I do I feel lighter. Amazing. Thank you so much for sharing this.

I always appreciate your wonderfully insightful comments Chrysta!

~Marcus

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